Hjælp os baroness!

NQDII and I desperately need to cultivate a friendship with Baronessen – aka Caroline Fleming. If anyone can help find this aristocrat, we would be forever in their debt (literally, judging by the life her friends probably have to keep up with!) And no, we’re not social climbing but having recently watched the programme, Baronessen flytter ind (The Baroness moves in), we’ve finally found a show we can watch and understand.

I’ve no idea what sort of Danish she speaks but she says whole words and says them clearly. I did hear once that they speak the best Danish on Fyn. I don’t know whether that’s true or not because I can’t recall if the person told me was ‘Fynsk’, so it could just have been a biased opinion. But, as her family estate, which she now runs, is on that island, perhaps it is why…

Nevertheless we find ourselves glued to a programme the likes of which we normally wouldn’t watch.

Ugens danske - the week's Danish

Okay, I'm sure for those of you who don't speak Danish, listening to those of us who are learning it and complaining about the difficulty of it must lead you to think, 'Oh stop complaining, it can't be *that* hard!' Well, we went to friends for dinner last night and learned this gem. And yes, it does mean something:

Far, får får får?

Nej, får får ikke får, får får lam.


Translation:

Dad, do sheep have sheep?

No, sheep don’t have sheep, sheep have lambs

The Queen's Danish

Judging by the mailbags of emails I get (what do emails come in, btw?) a lot of people wonder how my Danish is going. As said in an earlier post this week, it wasn’t the best week in the world in any respect of my dismal life and here are a handful of this week’s Danish disasters (keep in mind they all occurred in Danish):

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Me to workmate: What does the word kludder mean? I can’t find it in the dictionary anywhere and I keep getting emails about it.

Colleague: It’s X’s nickname.

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Me to lady from power company: I’m not sure what this bill is for – or what months.

Lady: How can I help you?

(Deep sigh and intake of breath) Me to lady at power company: I can’t read this bill properly. Can you tell me something about it?

Lady: Yes. But I can do it in English if you like.

---

Me to shop assistant: Do you sell needles? I have to sew on some buttons so I can fuck them up.

Shop assistant: (Wide eyes)

Me: I have to fuck some buttons.

Shop assistant: I think you mean sew on buttons so you can do them up.

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Me to lady at stall: Is it okay if I take a picture?

(Lady has bewildered look)

Lady: They’re DKK480

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Me to waiter: Two white wines please.

Waiter: Sure

later: two red wines arrive

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Me to workmate: So where is the 20th anniversary party?

Workmate: I just told you 30 seconds ago

Me: I said where this time. Not when.

Haha! I got one back!!

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Me to colleagues in office: Gosh. It's very hot in here

Workmates: (sniggering)

Me: What?!

Workmates: "Meeaathhhh" - just like the Queen!

Jeg skal taler dansk riktigt godt (eller rigtig god?), hvad!

In light of this article, I thought I should announce that the company I work for is starting Danish lessons for all we 'forrij-ners'. This means I won’t have to try and fit Danish in after finishing work, which rarely happens because I can never get away in time.

I am extremely grateful. My boss was very good about it. I was going to ask others if I they'd like to attend a Saturday morning class I'd discovered but he said no one would be interested and, consequently, these in-house classes transpired thanks to him.

They're in the morning from 0800 until 1000 (on hour or mine, one of their’s), and I can’t wait.

I find I can understand so much more than I did but actually speaking gets me befuddled. It will be brilliant just getting it over and done with in the mornings without the stress of wondering whether I’ll get to class or not.

Here's the song...

I was talking about that song, Hvad nu hvis - which I think means, 'What if'. I've discovered 'singing' is a good way to learn a language once you translate the song and know what it's about, as long as it has some sort of melody. A day later and I am literally FLUENT! Well,sort of. Anyway, for those wanting to practice, get your dictionaries out and here's some help:

Hvis jeg var et sejlskib på det åbne hav,
var hun vinden, der tog mig hjem.
Hvis jeg var en kornmark,
var hun sommerregn, der endelig kom igen.
Og hvis jeg var en storby,
var hun energien, der gav mig liv og lys nu.
Og hvis jeg var 7 år igen,
var hun sneen, der faldt uden for mit vindue.

Hun betyder alt for mig,
lad det aldrig vende.
Hun er mit et og alt,
jeg vil ikk' stå alene.

Så hvad nu hvis stjernerne en dag var væk,
og hvad nu hvis vinden døde stille hen.
Og solen aldrig mere ville vise sit ansigt.
Hvad sku' jeg så gør'?
Og hvad nu hvis sneen smeltede bort,
og hvad nu hvis regnen udeblev.
Hvad nu hvis alting blev helt sort.
Jeg håber det aldrig sker, jeg har brug for dig her.

ohoh, oh oh oh oh oh oh. ohoh, oh oh oh oh oh oh.

Hvis jeg var en sommerfugl,
så var hun solens stråler, der varmede mine vinger.
Hvis jeg var faret vild i skoven,
var hun stjernerne for oven, der viste mig vej, min sti finder.

Hun betyder alt for mig,
lad det aldrig vende.
Hun er mit et og alt,
jeg vil ikk' stå alene.

Så hvad nu hvis stjernerne en dag var væk,
og hvad nu hvis vinden døde stille hen.
Og solen aldrig mere ville vise sit ansigt.
Hvad sku' jeg så gør'?
Og hvad nu hvis sneen smeltede bort,
og hvad nu hvis regnen udeblev.
Hvad nu hvis alting blev helt sort.
Jeg håber det aldrig sker, jeg har brug for dig her.

Det' mit liv, jeg nyder showet. Jeg ved, at det lyder flovet,
men jeg har ting jeg vil gøre før min tid er gået.
Det er de ting jeg kan vide, at der betyder noget.
Hey stjerne i det fjerne, hvis mig vejen jeg følger den gerne.
Vi gjorde det, vi er her. Det der ikke slog os ihjel, gjorde os stærkere.
Nik, yo. Lad mig kæmpe lidt, elske lidt. Jeg er her jo kun for et øjeblik.
Før tidevandet vasker det hele væk, vil jeg skrive for mig og mine,
og jeg prøver på at skrive for dig og dine,
for der er ingen, der fortjener at leve alene.

Så hvad nu hvis stjernerne en dag var væk,
og hvad nu hvis vinden døde stille hen.
Og solen aldrig mere ville vise sit ansigt.
Hvad sku' jeg så gør'?
Og hvad nu hvis sneen smeltede bort,
og hvad nu hvis regnen udeblev.
Hvad nu hvis alting blev helt sort.
Jeg håber det aldrig sker, jeg har brug for dig her.

ohoh, oh oh oh oh oh oh. ohoh, oh oh oh oh oh oh.
ohoh, oh oh oh oh oh oh. ohoh, oh oh oh oh oh oh.

Thanks to: Monica, Niels M, Andreas L & Sweet Lyrics.com for the...lyrics

A great way to learn Danish!

Now this is the way to learn Danish. Forget about the Jensen family, børnehave, buser etc etc etc.

Nothing like a marital nightmare to get me interested in flicking through the dictionary to find out more.

For this, I have to thank my insightful teacher, Ms C, for choosing some good texts for our forthcoming oral tests. Now I can safely go out to a dinner or party and hold my head high, knowing I can contribute to adult conversation and not have to bore everyone with my acute knowledge of playground rides or food items.

Here’s a quick translation of the pictured pages:

“You’re drunk,” says Per

He pushes her away.

“Why have you just got home now,” asks Inge angrily. “We had an arrangement.”

Per looks at her.
His eyes are cold.
There is no love in his eyes.
His mouth is narrow.
He doesn’t reply.
He turns from her and goes.
He goes into the bedroom.

“I am tired,” says Per and shuts the door.

But Inge opens the door again.

“You weren’t at the office,” shouts Inge. “Where were you?”

“I had a meeting,” says Per and looks away. (Yeah, right!!)

Inge grabs hold of Per’s coat.
She looks at him.

“I made dinner,” says Inge.



I finished this, my second Danish ‘book’, yesterday. It’s called ‘Alene’ (Alone).

It’s about a woman called Inge who prepares a dinner for herself and her husband, but he doesn’t show up. He seems to have been very busy of late.

In the process of waiting (alone as usual) she gets a tad sloshed on the old rød vin, as I would do myself. But, unlike me, the thought that her twenty-year marriage may be under threat doesn’t enter her mind.

Dear oh dear.


Just in case you don’t have time to read the book yourself, what transpires is Per, the louse, has been having an affair with a slut called Mette and all is revealed. The most distressing aspect is Mette is not a young bimbo after his cash but a mature 49. Inge is 52.

What a slap in the face!

Per demands a separation and, again, Inge is left alene. But, with true courage, she’s determined not to be the victim any longer and is going to get on and live her life and never be alene again.

Good for her!

Although it ends before you know what happens in the bigger picture, I’m pretty sure Per is diagnosed with prostate kræft and is forced to undergo a radical prostatectomy, which leaves him totally impotent. Mette thinks the better of being stuck with an invalid for the twilight years of her life and takes herself off to a resort in Thailand where she is kidnapped by a drug lord while riding an elephant through the Golden Triangle and spends the rest of her years in a lathered, fungus-filled sweat, trying to learn how to make decent coconut rice.

Inge meets a Danish shipping magnate (who shall remain nameless, in case he sues me for defamation) and discovers how much fun it is to be married to a multi-billionaire. She suddenly feels no pain about the ending with Per and keeps him in a lifetime supply of incontinence pads.

Chapter 9

Yep, I’m up to Chapter 9 of the must-read Danish bestseller, “Tempo 1, Taleserier till danskuddannelse 3, Modul 1 begyndere” by Kirsten Gelbek. It’s a bit of a mouthful, I know, but it’s an imperative component to life for those of us intent on becoming the next Peter Høeg, (don’t ask me for the publication date, you will be immensely disappointed).

Oh g-d. I just wish I could just whack it under my Jysk, feather pillow (DKR 80 on special a couple of months ago) and have it seep into my head. Having been here in the 80’s and having also studied Swedish for three years at university back then, one would think I would have picked Danish up in a flash – but no. I laboriously write out every new group of words, slavishly copy and re-write them till they have somewhat stuck into my shrivelling grey matter. There they stay for 8 days and seventeen and a half hours.

I’m beginning to tire of the protagonist Jensen family. I want Per’s bus to breakdown, menopause to hit Anne, Jan to turn into a Norrebro delinquent and Lise to come out as a lesbian.

Arghhh. It’s Sunday. I just want to walk the dog and relax.

When’s the next public holiday? ☺